The Wheel

Sometimes pleasure, sometimes pain

Wobbly Start

This spring was a rocky one. From the time I returned from a relaxing weekend in Calistoga this March with my high school bestie, Mary, things started going sideways.

My blissed out peaceful state evaporated immediately when a shocking and heartbreaking letter arrived from my mother’s attorney two weeks before I was due to visit her. More to come on that in another post.

Conflict Zone

One of my daughters was having a miserable time at school and I was receiving a detailed daily reports from both sides of the conflict. As a mother it is painful to see your child struggling, misunderstood, sometimes behaving in ways that make the problems worse, and not getting the help she needs.

I did my best to advocate for her, find solutions, and help her stay focused on her education, but we are all limited in our ability to transform situations. Thankfully, that chapter has closed. It was bittersweet, because we were part of such a lovely community there, so it was sad to end on a sour note. Hopefully, next year will be a big improvement.

With all those compounding issues, there was some inner family turmoil between the challenges and overall frantic pace of the end of the school year with two graduations.

“Life is like a wheel. Sooner or later, it always come around to where you started again.” – Stephen King

Looking Towards the Light

A few bright spots kept lighting the way as I passed through these challenges.

I had a sweet visit with my brother and sister-in-law in North Carolina, who helped me process a difficult situation and gave me tons of support. So much gratitude and love for them. They deeply understand the complexity of the situation and are good and loving people.

Emerald Isle

Taking my daughters to my favorite beach spot in NC where my family would go during the summer was healing.

Without even looking at the map I somehow ended up in the parking lot right next to the hotel we stayed when we visited. Back then it was one of the only buildings on the island.

When I was little we’d take these mini vacations in the summer while my dad was doing business in the area. My brother, sister, mom, and I would stay at the hotel by the beach, while he did his work at the base, usually Camp Lejune or Cherry Point. He would come join us after he was done. I remember sitting in the pool staring at the gate, waiting for him to appear. It was always more fun when he was there.

Spending time in the pool, swimming in the ocean and on the beach looking for shells are some of my favorite childhood memories. I spent hours and hours looking for the perfect pair of baby angel’s wings and sharks teeth.

The girls both really loved that little wisp of sand of an island, and discovered a fondness for southern sweet tea during our visit.

“Darn the wheel of the world! Why must it continually turn over? Where is the reverse gear?” – Jack London

Creating a Sanctuary

Another highlight was beginning the process of fixing up our backyard, The Backyarden (Lucia’s name for it when she was little). It’s a large space by city standards and tending to it while doing everything else has been a challenge.

For a while I was doing a good job keeping up with it, planting native plants, pruning the trees, keeping the ivy and fescue grass at bay. But last fall it was completely overgrown with weeds, so I hired, a lovely neighbor to help clear it out, and had another friend help me come up with a plan to make it nice. It’s just starting to come together.

Santa Cruz Boardwalk

Something else that gave me a little reprieve was chaperoning the annual field trip for graduating 5th graders at Cecilia’s elementary school to the Santa Cruz Boardwalk in late May. Cecilia had fun riding the rides with her friends. We have fun playing in the mirrors and walking around.

My friends Jim and Jennifer from The Mermen live nearby, so I decided to stay overnight so that we could spend some time with them. Jennifer is a bad-ass bass player, so we brought down Cecilia’s bass, so that she could check out what it was like to play on a really pro rig and get some pointers from a professional.

Having time with Jim and Jennifer brought me back to an earlier time in my life and reminded me of the fun times we had together, especially visiting them in Santa Cruz and going to the Sundance Film Fest and staying at Jennifer’s mom’s house near there.

They are both such kind, big-hearted, and talented people.

Cecilia had a great time trying out Jennifer’s acoustic bass and then playing in the studio with Jennifer’s big bass amp. We had a great time together.

The Deer

It was getting late and we needed to head back up to the city. I decided to take Route 1 because it’s so beautiful and peaceful. Unfortunately, when we about 30-45 minutes out of Santa Cruz, the sun had gone down, and cell coverage faded away, a deer appeared on the side of the road, out of the blue. I had to make a split second decision.

Can I swerve? No, there’s a car coming the other direction. If I go that way, possible death or major accident.

Can I stop quickly? Probably not in time and I may hit the deer head on if I do. Also, there’s a car right behind me that might not stop in time and could hit me from behind.

I could honk and see if that would scare it back, but it might scare it into the road and directly in my path, creating a much worse accident.

“Everything being a constant carnival, there is no carnival left.” – Victor Hugo

Doing Nothing

So I gripped the stearing wheel, knowing that I was likely going to hit that deer. Very gently I moved to the left a tiny bit and prayed the deer wouldn’t move. But it jumped out and BAM hit the right front corner of the car. It was clear there was damage.

I pulled over as quickly as I could and looked behind me and the deer had vanished. There was no blood on the car, but parts of it had crumpled. The front headlight was smashed up but still shining and the car ran just fine,. So I decided to limp back home.

The deer may have survived, but I can’t be sure. If it did, it was probably hurt. I hope a miracle spared it, but I’ll never know.

Carmen Miranda San Diego Maple Syrup Leaf

Yes, the car, my sweet Leaf, my first electric car that I have so many memories with girls in was greatly damaged but it could’ve been much, much worse. Collisions with animals can very often be fatal. A friend of mine was laid up in the hospital for months after crashing into one on his motorcycle. A friend’s brother-in-law swerved in the same scenario and didn’t make it.

Later in the week I found out that the insurance company was declaring the car totalled. It really didn’t seem so bad to me, definitely driveable, but I guess auto body repair costs a fortune and they didn’t deem the car worth it. So I was out of a car. At least insurance gave me something to help buy a new one, but it still wasn’t enough for a full replacement.

The Wheel

Life is like that sometimes. The wheel turns and grinds out painful moments, and hard challenges. Other times, it brings you together with loving people and bestows blessings and good fortune upon you.

There’s no choice, but to take it all in what it gives, and try to find gratitude in the sweetness that comes your way. It’s pointless to wonder why it’s happening to you, it just is. Other pleasures and pain are doled out to different people, and they don’t really control it either. It may or may not even bring them happiness.

Focusing your love and life energy on the people and things that matter to you is what is most important. Pain will come your way again and again, but maybe tomorrow you get a little grace and enjoy some pleasure.

“Fortune’s wheel never stands still. The highest point is therefore the most perilous.” – Maria Edgeworth